Tortoises, choose carefully. Taking on a human is a very big commitment. They can live for quite a long time; they require constant supervision and, once attached to you, they become incredibly difficult to rehome. So don’t just take the first one who picks you up and says: “Awwwwww.” You need to observe them first. The most important thing is to find one you think you can train. Some humans are naturally very promising. Look for one who notices a stare. This is important. A

Four toes, a shovel and absolutely no respect for boundaries Humans, we need to discuss Horsfields. Because somewhere right now, a human is staring into an empty enclosure shouting: “WHERE’S THE TORTOISE?” Relax. You’ve got a Horsfield. I’m Manuel, a respectable spur-thighed tortoise, and even I think these chaps are slightly bonkers. FIRST, THEY’RE NOT MEDITERRANEAN Horsfields come from Central Asia, where their ancestors dealt with dry steppes, rocky ground, baking summers,

Why has your tortoise suddenly disappeared and stopped eating during hot weather? Manuel explains aestivation, why tortoises do it and when you should leave them safely alone.

Hot weather can be dangerous for tortoises too. Learn how to keep your Mediterranean tortoise safe during a heatwave, including shade, water, feeding and the warning signs of overheating.

Manuel overhears a conversation about Costa, a small Horsfield tortoise with an enormous personality and a beak that seems to arrive three minutes before the rest of him. Naturally, Manuel wasn’t listening. He just happened to be nearby.

Humans have some very strange ideas about sunbathing. Manuel explains why, when you’re a tortoise, catching a few rays is considerably more important than getting a tan.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists confirm nature has finally been updated. Version 2.0 comes with plastic grass, no bugs and almost none of that troublesome nature. Manuel investigates what humans have been up to.