Tortoises, choose carefully. Taking on a human is a very big commitment. They can live for quite a long time; they require constant supervision and, once attached to you, they become incredibly difficult to rehome. So don’t just take the first one who picks you up and says: “Awwwwww.” You need to observe them first. The most important thing is to find one you think you can train. Some humans are naturally very promising. Look for one who notices a stare. This is important. A

Four toes, a shovel and absolutely no respect for boundaries Humans, we need to discuss Horsfields. Because somewhere right now, a human is staring into an empty enclosure shouting: “WHERE’S THE TORTOISE?” Relax. You’ve got a Horsfield. I’m Manuel, a respectable spur-thighed tortoise, and even I think these chaps are slightly bonkers. FIRST, THEY’RE NOT MEDITERRANEAN Horsfields come from Central Asia, where their ancestors dealt with dry steppes, rocky ground, baking summers,

Manuel overhears a conversation about Costa, a small Horsfield tortoise with an enormous personality and a beak that seems to arrive three minutes before the rest of him. Naturally, Manuel wasn’t listening. He just happened to be nearby.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists confirm nature has finally been updated. Version 2.0 comes with plastic grass, no bugs and almost none of that troublesome nature. Manuel investigates what humans have been up to.

Manuel has been studying humans for many years, and he’s finally worked out why they all own smartphones. Unfortunately, it seems to involve an alarming number of photographs of tortoise bottoms.

Why do humans think carrots belong in baths? Professor Manuel investigates one of the internet’s oddest tortoise myths, with plenty of laughs and a serious message about evidence-based care.

Manuel explains why choosing the right lights isn’t the first question you should ask. Discover what really matters for keeping a healthy Mediterranean tortoise.

Why do humans think bigger is always better? Manuel explains why a natural variety of weeds beats giant leaves and oversized meals every time, and what tortoises really look for when they forage.