Tortoises, choose carefully. Taking on a human is a very big commitment. They can live for quite a long time; they require constant supervision and, once attached to you, they become incredibly difficult to rehome. So don’t just take the first one who picks you up and says: “Awwwwww.” You need to observe them first. The most important thing is to find one you think you can train. Some humans are naturally very promising. Look for one who notices a stare. This is important. A

Why has your tortoise suddenly disappeared and stopped eating during hot weather? Manuel explains aestivation, why tortoises do it and when you should leave them safely alone.

Humans have some very strange ideas about sunbathing. Manuel explains why, when you’re a tortoise, catching a few rays is considerably more important than getting a tan.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists confirm nature has finally been updated. Version 2.0 comes with plastic grass, no bugs and almost none of that troublesome nature. Manuel investigates what humans have been up to.

Why do humans think carrots belong in baths? Professor Manuel investigates one of the internet’s oddest tortoise myths, with plenty of laughs and a serious message about evidence-based care.

Are petfluencers helping tortoises or simply chasing likes? Manuel shares his thoughts on social media trends, what really matters to tortoises, and why natural behaviour should always come first.

Why do humans keep picking tortoises up? Manuel explains why what feels affectionate to us can be stressful for them, and what they would much rather we did instead.

Manuel explains why choosing the right lights isn’t the first question you should ask. Discover what really matters for keeping a healthy Mediterranean tortoise.

Why do humans think bigger is always better? Manuel explains why a natural variety of weeds beats giant leaves and oversized meals every time, and what tortoises really look for when they forage.

Morning, humans. My human made a terrible mistake yesterday. She left her laptop open. Naturally…I had a look. Now first of all… There are some lovely humans on these tortoise groups. Beautiful photographs. Wonderful enclosures. Happy tortoises. Helpful advice. I even spotted a few rather attractive lady tortoises. Imagine my disappointment when I realised they were only on the screen. Anyway… I started reading the comments. Good grief. You lot are savage. One human asks a qu